I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
