Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
