No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
3pm strippers are depressing
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
