we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
