he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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