I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
