Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
