The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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