I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
