Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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