I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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