We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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