New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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