I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
