totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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