it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
