Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
