I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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