They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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