there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
