I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
