dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
