i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
