He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
