i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
