Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
