Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
