hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
