just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
