Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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