I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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