whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
As shirtless as possible
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
