So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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