He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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