you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
