I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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