Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
