My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
