I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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