I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
