One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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