I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
