You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
