the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
