ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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