I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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