Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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