my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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