He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
