cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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