so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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