Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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