Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
