i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
